I is tired, but I is alive.
I'm tired.
Seems like everything that this world consists of is tension: relentless deadlines; stress that I'm not getting work in on time; late nights drifting cloudily into early mornings; a nagging feeling that God is being left behind, that I'm just using Him and not relating - help me with this essay God, please help me; next year and what shall I do? A job; I must work; household quarrels, pain is never old; my body muttering and complaining: too much sugar, not enough exercise, too much gluten; has my writing finished? will I ever be able to pick it up again?; worried that I am losing my youngest brother, am not spending the time I want to spend with him and he is getting so old!; drawing, how it absorbed me before university and now no pursuit is alive - what I thought was my identity, gone and now i'm smart, such an intelligent university student, am I what I wanted to be?; everything, everything too cliche; listening to people - wishing there was more time to be tired.
But there is newness.
A new bible - blue, wreathed, ESV - a 'good christian girl's bible', so beautiful, perhaps I will learn to love it, though never as much as I did the falling-apart, cheap black one I used so long; flowers, birthday brightness and a red rose; an unexpected A+, the uncertain but glad knowledge that God is love and all is purposed; magical, evil light on waves at New Brighton Pier; the realization that really, the earth from the vantage point of a plane makes so much more sense; a new handbag with convenient pockets.
Seems like everything that this world consists of is tension: relentless deadlines; stress that I'm not getting work in on time; late nights drifting cloudily into early mornings; a nagging feeling that God is being left behind, that I'm just using Him and not relating - help me with this essay God, please help me; next year and what shall I do? A job; I must work; household quarrels, pain is never old; my body muttering and complaining: too much sugar, not enough exercise, too much gluten; has my writing finished? will I ever be able to pick it up again?; worried that I am losing my youngest brother, am not spending the time I want to spend with him and he is getting so old!; drawing, how it absorbed me before university and now no pursuit is alive - what I thought was my identity, gone and now i'm smart, such an intelligent university student, am I what I wanted to be?; everything, everything too cliche; listening to people - wishing there was more time to be tired.
But there is newness.
A new bible - blue, wreathed, ESV - a 'good christian girl's bible', so beautiful, perhaps I will learn to love it, though never as much as I did the falling-apart, cheap black one I used so long; flowers, birthday brightness and a red rose; an unexpected A+, the uncertain but glad knowledge that God is love and all is purposed; magical, evil light on waves at New Brighton Pier; the realization that really, the earth from the vantage point of a plane makes so much more sense; a new handbag with convenient pockets.
posted by Lydie at
12:32 am
2 Comments:
I'm so glad that you're writing again. This is really beautiful. It's honest and raw. I like that a lot.
"...am I what I wanted to be?" That is such a haunting question. Yet I ask myself that too.
I know this sounds cheesy but - I pray that God renews you in your season of weariness.
-FR
PS I will see about doing some writing of my own. But no promises...
Hello FR!
Thank you for your prayer =)
Yes, it did come out of a 1am rant - at least I was able to see that there were good things in my life. Didn't want it to be overly depressing :P
Cool as, I'll go over and check your blog now...
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